Nine Dead: Just horrible, no awesome about it

I'm not entirely sure what caught my eye when I selected "Nine Dead" for my Netflix instant pick, but one thing's for sure, I wish I hadn't. I'd like to say I'm a glass half full kind of person, but I find it pretty daunting trying to find something I liked about this movie.

I'm no stranger to films with borrowed plots, but this one reminded me a lot of Saw and Saw II. If you didn't notice from some of the other reviews, I might have a slight obsession with James Wan (writer of Saw), so I'm definitely familiar. Coinciding with the second Saw film, strangers are brought together and asked to figure out what they have in common. And similar to the first Saw film, instead of a character sawing off his foot, one of these guys has someone help him by breaking a hand so he can slide it out of his handcuff.

What they didn't borrow from the Saw films unfortunately, was a good twist. Sure, the reason why the strangers are brought to the room is interesting. They have all contributed to someone's death and done some horrible things to others in the process. There definitely could have been other or more entertaining ways to come to this conclusion however.

My first issue with the film: pace. The killer gave everyone ten minutes to tell him why the strangers were all brought here before he would make his next fatal shot. It felt as if there were hours between deaths though. And the worst part, was I couldn't even find myself empathizing with the characters enough to want the time to drag on. I almost asked the killer to shoot me next so I wouldn't have to finish the movie.

Not only was the ending disappointing, but the last frame faded to black and the credits came down before any substance could be added or horribleness could be justified. It was just over. I wonder if the writers gave up or the director shot himself when he realized this was going to have his name on it.

Do yourself a favor and save yourself and others from ever watching this. It's 98 minutes you can't get back. Nine Dead: all horrible and no awesome. Well, it was awesome when the credits rolled out.

Fear Island: doesn't really frighten

While I can't say I was ever really frightened by anything but the lack of intelligence of the characters, I must say that there was some greatness to "Fear Island."

A group of young adults goes to an island to blow off steam and party for the weekend. Simple enough premise, just throw in a killer and you've got a Netflix streaming gem. First though, the rough parts must be brought to light.

There has to be a certain amount of yelling at the television for a horror movie to work. For example, "don't go in the creepy basement," or "don't split up." Yet these characters, time and time again fail to make good decisions. The characters in this movie however, could have led me to break my roommate's T.V.

The first person killed off is discovered hanging upside down in the woods with "evil" written across his shirt in blood. The group naturally comes to the conclusion that this is a suicide. Then there's the whole situation of a stranger getting on the boat to enjoy the weekend with them and instead of questioning said stranger, taking her in as if this is a normal occurrence. And when the group finally comes to their senses and realizes the dead guy has been murdered, they obviously point fingers at each other, but fail to think of the outsider as the odd man out.

I'm obviously worried that these actors may not be the sharpest tools in the shed, but then out of nowhere the movie picks up and it's apparent that a psychological twist is brewing.

In the case of "Fear Island" I will say that it's worth watching if you've really got nothing else do, or you're putting off doing the homework you really should be doing. It starts out slow and doesn't really pick up until it's three quarters through, but the stupidity of the characters will keep you going.

There really is some hidden meaning to this, so I will give the writers credit. The way that the characters die do symbolize a deeper meaning and there is a perfect twist that you'll hit herself in the head for if you didn't see it coming. That's my kind of ending.

Image courtesy of http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1109583/

Forget cats and dogs, Sharknado's coming through

Where to begin with this one? From the one-liners to the acting, everything about this movie is a hot mess. And I couldn't love it more.

The first sign of how great this movie would be came from the opening SyFy credit. Literally anything is possible in a SyFy movie. That's where Zombie Strippers came from folks. Then of course the over the top slayings by the sharks really set it up for greatness.

This is really one of the those movies that you don't have to watch closely, believe me you're not going to miss some sort of deeper meaning or not be able to connect the dots later. Hell, it might even be better with alcohol.

What does make this movie one of my top Horribly Awesome picks though is just how unlikely it all is. Have you ever had a dream where you were scared, realized it was just a dream and were able to control what happened next? That's the feeling I got when I watched this movie. You bet the protagonist was going to chainsaw his way outside of a shark's stomach completely unharmed. And I didn't even bat an eyelash when he pulled out a supporting actress who had "died."

Don't get me wrong, the writers did try to throw in a soft spot towards the beginning of the film. The father who goes to save his broken family, does stop to rescue a stranded school bus full of children. Just when you think the film could have a spark of good to it however, they go and do something like this. "My mom always said Hollywood would kill me," the school bus driver joked as he dodged letters of the Hollywood sign being blown around in the wind. Too bad the last letter crushed him before his next breath.

The slogan for this movie is "Enough Said." While I do think "Sharknado" does quite say it all, it's definitely still worth the watch.

"These sharks really have no etiquette," one of the characters remarked after being bitten while riding his jet ski.

"No shit," a shark said back.

OR

"Why is there a retirement home next to an airport?"
"Because old people can't hear."

One set of lines is really said in the movie. Can you guess which one?

Image courtesy of http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2724064/

'The Conjuring' conjures excitement yet slight disappointment

It's got to be one the highest anticipated horror movies to come out in this decade thus far, and I will say that it was good. But that's the best I can do: "good."

Don't get me wrong, the writing, cinematography, CGI and the score were done to fantastic caliber. I will give credit where credit is due. The effect of the lighting for the film was spot on. Low key for the creeptastic scenes and a little bit of high key when the family reminisces about fonder moments. I'm a little biased when it comes to the writing, recognizing elements from some other James Wan film right away. The dolls seem familiar to anyone? Try "Dead Silence" or "Insidious," both from the same writer/director James Wan. It's the ending that's got me scratching my head, and if you've seen the other films I've mentioned by Wan, you'll know that he knows better.

My absolute favorite part of horror movies, horribly awesome or not, is the ending. It's all in the ending. Johnny Depp explained this in "Secret Window," when he played a deranged writer. Hint: awesome ending there.

That's where I do have to say that "The Conjuring" fell short. Even though I may be a grown woman, I should be reduced to the state of a toddler after watching this. I should be trying to sleep in my roommate's bed, with every single light in our apartment on. 

Sure, I jumped throughout the film. Even let out a not so attractive yelp at one point. My point is, everything that could still scare me, make me worry that the bad could get me throughout the night, was vanquished.

A great scary movie ends like this:

Villian dies or is banished in an over the top fashion

Protagonist and friends celebrate or give a sigh of relief

Short period of time passes

Villian is NOT dead or banished and/or plot twist

My false sense of happiness didn't happen in this one. All the characters felt safe at the end and everything was resolved. See my frustration?

To all my friends who told me I wouldn't be able to get a good night's sleep again: I bid you a goodnight.

Image from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1457767/?ref_=nv_sr_1